Yesterday I was in a restaurant with my family when I noticed a brand new baby being held by her mother’s friend. The scene caught my breath and I instantly felt a need to hold that fresh baby against my skin. I knew after I had two children that was enough for me, but somehow that feeling of needing to hold and look at a new baby just never goes away.
Maybe it’s what being a mother or a woman or what society views women to be that instills that feeling inside of me. That equals worth to that feeling of being able to create and sustain life. Of knowing that you are able to do this means you have been successful as a women. Perhaps this feeling feels stronger for me since at this point in my life my career is motherhood.
On Tuesday I am having an operation where I will essentially have the part of me that helped create life removed. I know that sounds dramatic, and for the most part I’ve tried not to think about it in those terms. I’m done child bearing, have been for years, and for my personal health and quality of life I must have this operation. It will improve me in so many ways. And yet, when I saw that baby, the little voice inside my head, the one that creeps in to shower doubt and feelings of shadow when you least expect it, made its way through. That baby, I thought. One more thing I can’t do….
Pelvic Organ Prolapse is a real condition that affects millions of women, mainly caused by childbirth injury. It causes a variety of health conditions that cause many health concerns. Not everyone will require a hysterectomy, or mesh!(that’s another post) or surgery to benefit their health, there are other options that can help as well, such as physiotherapy, exersize and so on. There are four stages to prolapse, with four being the worst. Mine is diagnosed as stage four, hence the reason for the major surgery. Most often the condition will affect women later on in life but it can also cause problems for women of my age, 38, as well. I encourage anyone reading this who think they may be affected, or who are wondering what it is, to search more about it and educate themselves.
I have considered writing about this for quite some time, and didn’t know if I should. It’s not exactly dinner table conversation! However, after visiting the doctor’s office, in what felt like the dungeon’s of the hospital last month, and knowing that so many other ‘male dominated’ clinics and health offices often get the green light for funding and education, I figured, why not start talking about it. I’m not afraid to talk about mental health, and I’m not afraid to discuss women’s health either.
I am however rather afraid of the actual surgery and 8 week recovery process. I’m grateful for the support system that I’ve set up here to help look after my children and my husband is a wonderful support system as well. The kitchen is stocked and the closets are clean. There isn’t much more I can do but pray.
I know the main cause of this is childbirth. But when I looked at that tiny baby yesterday, clinging to the woman holding her, when I listen to my two girls sit chatting and singing as they watch TV, I know that childbirth is worth the risk.
I don’t know if I will be able to keep you posted on how it all goes, but if I can, I’ll let you know….
A 🙂
mentalhealthmama 